Since I have started on this new way of living, a huge part of the change has been changing the way I think. I do really well for a while and I feel really good. Then I fall back into old patterns and feel anxious and worry. What do I worry about? You name it. I have literally worried about worrying. It’s bad for my inner peace and sucks my energy. It’s a harder habit to break than smoking. With smoking you actually have a physical thing to avoid. You can walk away from it. Getting the brain to stop the worrying is much more difficult. It is like an addiction. I may be addicted to worrying but I am going to break that habit, just like my nicotine addiction.
I have spent a lot of time trying to get the worry under control. I literally believe that we are not meant to worry. What good does it do really? I read a saying that basically said worrying steals your present peace. That is the truth. I know it and I live it…then…it’s like just smoking one cigarette. You can’t even allow the idea of smoking just one. Otherwise, there you are sucking down a pack a day and starting over again. Obviously there is something in it for me, otherwise I wouldn’t do it. When I think about all of the time I have wasted worrying about things that I have absolutely no control over, it frustrates me. I think maybe control is what the worrying is really about. Control. I don’t want to think that it is about control but it’s the only conclusion I can draw. I now think that this journey I am on is about letting go of control, not trying to take more control. Just letting life flow and being part of that flow rather than trying to control the flow.
In the whole scheme of things, we don’t have any control anyway. We give ourselves that illusion. Do we control what we eat, what we wear, etc? Of course, but I am not talking about those small things. Those things never worried me anyway. It’s the big imaginary what if that has worried me. What if that guy doesn’t stop at the stop sign? What if my daughter isn’t happy with her choices in the future? What if I try to talk to her about other options, she changes her choices and then resents it? What if my dogs get out and get lost? I mean, how absolutely senseless is the what if game? What if I hurt my knee before the 5k color run? I cannot control any of these things. If they happen the only thing I can do is adjust and deal with the consequences. So worrying doesn’t help in any way. I just need to make the not worrying a habit.
When I type it out and read it, it sounds ridiculous. Obviously I can’t know what is going to happen in the future. So, I have decided that I am going to write the worries on a paper and burn them. It’s symbolic and I believe it will help put the worries where they belong, not in my mind, but in the ashes of a burn pile. I don’t know if this will help, but I think it’s worth a try. So if any of you drive passed my house and there is a huge bonfire and I am dancing around it with a crazy look on my face, know that it is just me trying to learn to go with the flow.